goodbye, restless heart
Emily Allen
Emily is a passionate soul. As a wife, mother, writer, singer, and photographer, she spends most days creatively searching out the mysteries of God. Read more about her journey at: www.joyarising.com. You can view Emily’s photographic collaboration with her husband at: www.solacearts.com. |
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Goodbye, restless heart. I will not miss you. I once thought I’d be lonely without you. Lonely or lost. The truth is, you never were a terrific companion. You clung to me with feverish desperation, but your constant presence was anything but loyalty…anything but faithfulness. You were not a friend. You were more like a blister, constantly reminding me of my pain instead of my promise; a half-empty cup instead of one running over with restoration. You let me believe, or at least entertain, that hope for healing was futile. But look at me now, restless heart. The healing has come and your voice can no longer drown out the kindest words I’ve ever heard. Jesus loves me. Jesus loves me. He loves me, and the future and hope He has promised is now under my feet. He is my future and hope, as well as the Rock on which I am standing.
You’ve spent far too much time illuminating my wounds, letting me live as a victim instead of a victor. You’ve let me wander and wail without direction, and without comfort.
You tried to be the glue that held all things together, but as we’ve concurred, that didn’t hold. You attempted to build a wall of stones around me, and though you say your intention was to protect me, walls can never take the place of the One who is refuge. The trumpets have sounded, and your stones have crumbled to the ground. Still, I am protected…by walls, or hands if you will, that do not fail. You tried to be the solver of all problems, but accepting one packaged problem to throw up on your back in the giant bag of others you carry is no way to resolve. It is a quick way to be buried. But the funeral is over, and there is no longer a lifeless body in the ground.
You’ve been with me for many years, on a journey I have been proud to take. I would not change one step, though many of them were painful, but I will not miss you. I bid you farewell as I discover new purpose and a new heart of confidence in the Holy One who has carried away my sorrow. I no longer need you to hold me together, and I gladly trade my anxiety for peace. So goodbye, restless heart. Farewell.
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Note:
At the lowest point in my life, God gave me a very precious promise. He said, ‘Emily, if you will give your whole self to me, if you will outrageously go where I lead you, if you will humbly listen to my instruction, then I will make you whole. I will give you joy and hope. I will give you transformation like you have never imagined.’ He led me through my brokenness to forgive those who had wronged me, and illuminated the dark places of my own heart so that I might discover the heart of Jesus and show His love in spite of my hurt. I’ve learned that healing isn’t all about escaping the pain you feel, but is often much more about finding strength in Christ and seeing with new perspective. When the light of His truth shines on the darkness of your soul, hope, wholeness, forgiveness, and relationship are the inevitable result. My prayer is that you would find all of those things for yourself.
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