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hope is there if you don't believe the lie
Anonymous
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“Why do I keep thinking about physical intimacy with women?” I asked myself often. As a Christian, I believed such thoughts to be wrong, but could not seem to escape from them. I was starting to believe that I would never be able to be rid of them. After all, God had healed me and given me freedom from many life-dominating habits in the past; but this one continued to have control over me. Before I became a follower of Jesus, I smoked cigarettes, had a very foul mouth, was an alcoholic, had anger issues that were deeply embedded in my character, and used cocaine. People would know all those things about me pretty quickly by observing my behavior. However, they could not see that I struggled with lesbian thoughts. By the time I became a Christian 20 years ago, I had given up cocaine because I realized that the benefits were not worth the damage that usage was causing my relationships; but I still struggled with all the other issues. Over time and with the help of a counselor and my friends from Mosaic, God began to heal me and release me from destructive behaviors that were keeping me from finding the joy and freedom He desired for me. I stopped smoking, cleaned up my language, and stopped drinking. Though I continued to struggle with anger, the main issue that bothered me in the early 1990’s was my physical attraction to women.
When I was a young girl, I had been exposed to pornography and very highly sexual movies. After several incidents of being molested and then suffering through incest in the family, I became very confused about sex and began to think that sex meant love. I became sexually active by the time I was 13. I tried to make it right by making sure love was there first. I kept the boyfriends I had during junior high and high school for long periods of time. There was never a one night stand. By the time I started college, I found myself becoming curious about lesbianism and found myself also becoming attracted to women. It sort of quietly snuck its way into my thoughts and became one of my worst fears. I couldn’t believe I had these thoughts and curiosities. I was deeply embarrassed and ashamed of them. I kept them private, hoping they’d go away on their own.
Becoming a Christian was the beginning of my journey of deep healing and finding freedom from my life dominating habits. I had been seeing a counselor and I knew that God wanted me to tell her about this secret impure “thought life”. He made it very clear to me through the verse James 5:16, which says, “Therefore confess your sins to each other so that you may be healed.” So with great trepidation, I went to see the counselor knowing full well that I was finally going to let my secret out for the first time. Telling her of this struggle helped break the power of it in my life, at least for awhile. Ultimately, though, impure thoughts would sneak their way back into my head. Then I found myself stuck in a cycle of confessing, experiencing temporary relief from impure thoughts, and then entertaining them again.
The impure thoughts only became stronger when I found myself in a relationship with another Christian woman with some lesbian experiences as a teenager and a pattern of developing very emotionally dependent relationships. She began to really show an unusual amount of attention toward me. She would compliment me all the time and flatter me about my looks. Eventually, I realized that she was basically giving me permission to make advances toward her in a more physical way.
After several months of trying to stay pure in my behavior while struggling in my thought life, I decided it wasn’t working. I had to make a decision to either run from it or give in. I thought I could help pull the other woman out of these ideas and this emotionally dependent relationship, but I was only falling into it more deeply myself. Once I finally saw this and realized it wasn’t what I wanted, I ran. I cut off the friendship and got help from my leaders at church.
One of the leaders I was referred to didn’t help very much. She didn’t come from a hard core lesbian lifestyle, but had slipped into physical intimacy with a woman one time and then avoided such situations. She apparently didn’t let go of the thinking because she told me that the thoughts would never go away. I left her house feeling hopeless and confused. I knew there was something wrong with this way of thinking. I had experienced freedom and healing in so many other areas. I believed God could help me in this area too.
Eventually I experienced the healing transformation of God’s love and the power of His truth to set me free. Letting go of the impure thinking wasn’t easy. I had to see that thinking the thoughts was a choice, just like the choice of doing destructive behaviors. Letting go of any life dominating habit isn’t easy, but it is possible. I had to die to self and the sinful desires that were deeply rooted in my heart. This was a painful process at times. Finding healing and a life free of dominating habits that were damaging was much easier when I surrounded myself with people that I wanted to be like. I wanted to be pure and holy and I really loved God; so I connected with people who did too. I observed how they lived and what really mattered to them. I prayed whenever I struggled with things, no matter what it was. I asked for prayer as well, which meant that I was bringing the darkness to light and making it even more weak.
While I was moving away from the impure thoughts, getting married, and starting a family, the culture was encouraging “acceptance” of the homosexual lifestyle. Many people are trying to convince us that it is an acceptable thing to be homosexual, and if you do not accept it you are the one who is in the wrong. There are now churches who are led by homosexual pastors and welcome “all,” others like them. They see themselves as being inclusive and not exclusive like other more traditional Christian churches. The homosexual, psychological, and scientific communities have all agreed that homosexuality is okay now. That you just have to help people accept themselves if they struggle with it. They’ve decided it is how people are born and there is nothing anyone can do about it.
I don’t believe this. I believe Christians who are wrestling with this difficult and painful internal conflict in this new social climate struggle more than when I was dealing with it because I didn’t have a culture screaming at me that it was okay. Christians who are in this struggle may be trying to believe that it is okay, but I think they may still be sensing an incomplete peace. They read the Bible and find that it contradicts the culture’s message that it is acceptable. They know God wants purity deep inside. I don’t accept the lie that “the thoughts would never go away,” nor do I believe the lie that it is “okay.” Rather, I believe in a God who brings freedom and complete healing, transforming lives completely, not just partially. In 1 Corinthians 6, there is a list of people who will not inherit the kingdom of God because they are “wicked.” Included in this list are homosexuals. But then in verse 11, it says, “And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.” (Italics added). Yes, finding freedom is possible with God. It takes trusting in God and believing what the Bible says. It also takes obeying God’s commands to purity, and most importantly, it takes being willing to die to our selfish and sinful desires that dwell deep inside of us. The Bible says, “but each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed.” (James 1:14). Then further on it says, “…the man who looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues to do this, not forgetting what he has heard, but doing it—he will be blessed in what he does.” (James 1:25).
The struggle toward freedom is very difficult, especially in a culture that is so convinced of the lie that breeds hopelessness. Fighting one’s way through the struggle is worth it. I’m so grateful that God helped me to choose His way and not my way. I’m so grateful for the life that I have with my family. I am writing this article because I want to be a voice of hope to those who want to know that God can heal them and free them—like He freed me. Jesus himself said, “If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples. Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” (John 8:31-32, NIV)
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